Now that’s a transformation. Rewind 12 months on this URL and you’ll find a mess of MNEK music videos, incredibly accurate ‘Mad Max: Fury Road will be the best film of 2015’ predictions (sort of) and disillusioned rambles. I tried my best to conceal it, but by the end of 2014, I was a version of Pixar’s Inside Out where Sadness and Anger were cooking Joy in a cauldron of hot piss.
But in a magical turn, 2015 has been one of the best years of my life. That might be quite irritating to hear, especially if you’re reading this as part of a wave of awful Facebook end-of-year schmaltz or looked at the news over the past 365 days. But I mean it, it’s me. These quips don’t lie. But before you write off the following as one last self-indulgent stroke of my erection, please listen to what it has to say. It might even whistle a tune for you. A mighty sweet overlooked 2015 banger of the highest calibre.
A TUNE LIKE THIS
For the unknown web traveller or slacking snooper, my year has seen motherbase shift to the bright lights of London for a journo gig. It’s been a consistently repeating sequence of terrifying, exciting, incredible which has come to form my natural state; terricitible. As I’ve got myself aimlessly lost clinging to CityMapper apps, or stumbled my way into having free haircuts from press credentials, terricitible has been the fabricated word I’ve been searching for. A constant balancing act between dropping a brown clanger and straddling the most beautiful being imaginable.
Luckily, straddling has mostly won out. In between being a busy-body office type and practising my best ‘I’m fucking exhausted, back off my grill’ face on the Tube home, I’ve danced between events, luxury trips and dilly-dallying with words like a bawling wizard. You’re probably thinking ‘how can that be exhausting you smug little twat?’ Well gurl, I’ve had to schedule tweets after prosecco in time for a whisky-tasting session at 7:30, can you plz leave me alone alright, yeah?
In all seriousness though, it’s been incredible. I’ve learnt from ace writers, met some lovely folks, bashed out endless pieces about Star Wars and felt like a somewhat workable cog in a rather big machine. It’s been a blurry dream looking back, one punctuated with regular intakes of canteen jacket potatoes and the occasional spell of dumbfounded ‘what the fuck is going on’. A phrase I’ve come to despise over the past few months as it impedes on my mindset and social media posts to an ever-increasing degree.
MUCH LIKE THE MUSIC OF THESE BEAUTIFUL CREATIONS
So in pretty-awful end of year tradition, here’s the pieces I’m most proud from over the last calendar cycle of life. Let’s hope the links don’t die like last year. Because that was fucking annoying.
Once again, this is more a perfunctory catalogue for myself. So while they’re sat there like beautiful, showboating buns in the HTML twilight – this is actually an act of sacrificial mental rehabilitation. And definitely not just a tug of my thunderous erection.
Do you know what is tugging my thunderous erection? THIS BLOODY SOUTH PARK GAME TRAILER FOR 2016, YEAH.
Basically, I’ve been pretty happy with 2015 on a personal level (including stints as a Best Man at a bezzies wedding). But much like my elated jubilation at the end of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, I’m even more excited about what’s to come. 2016, while largely covered in the unknown, has all the promise of a tooting adventure directed by Rian Johnson. Rian Johnson directed Looper. He’s set to direct the next Star Wars. You should be excited. Please clap this link. Thanks.
But I’m aware this joyous spree can be easily taken away too. So as with everything, I’m going to lock, tighten and cling to this ride as long as possible. Like an arcade race where the clock thins and pace quickens until you manically veer into a gaggle of hookers cheering at the sidelines, 2016 is my test of trivial nerve and desperation. Will I crash into a fiery cataclysm of youth? Who will stop me from burning myself with the iron again? Will the hookers even cheer me on from the sidelines? And will the foxes of south London continue to diet-shame my KFC addiction to the entire street?
2016 has a lot of unanswered questions and I’m both excited and incredibly terrified awaiting the result. Terricitible you might say, you know, if you’re a jammy prick.
Happy New Year! XOXO