It’s remarkable how the Brit Awards are always a disappointment. Despite music being arguably our greatest export, the televised celebrations of our bustling music scene never fail to be frustratingly tepid. Some say it’s a glum reflection of music in 2015 (you’re wrong), while others argue television has horribly misrepresented British music for the past decade via all-conquering reality TV contests (warmer), but what can we do to stop it? And how?
Well through the power of imagination and blog bashing, I’m going to run through how I’d like the Brit Awards to pan out this year. I’m going to ignore who’s been nominated, who’s scheduled to perform and generally just make this shit up as I go, but hopefully it’ll be a much more accurate depiction of our vivid music scene. So watch me wreck the mic.
OPENING PERFORMANCE: Mark Ronson & Bruno Mars – Uptown Funk
The lights go down and the ‘Da Doh’ intro hums within the speaker’s fizz. A sparkling orgy of Jasper Carrot’s golden balls descends from the ceiling and before you know it – BOOM.
Mark Ronson & Bruno Mars strut from the back of the stage spitting Michelle Pffiefers white gold with a purple cadillac of backing musicians in tow. Cheap smoke machines pump the floor into a heavenly 80s space cloud while illegal catherine wheels litter the stage; spinning off their hinges and sparking small fires on nearby celebrity tables. Possibly near Noel Gallagher. Who’ll probably still think it’s shit.
It’ll be the kind of opening showstopper where people will wildly flock to Twitter and express cynical feelings of ‘#Brits2015 already peaked’ and ‘Uptown Funk? More like Back the Fuck Down LOL’. #socialengagement.
Ant & Dec do their opening welcome thing. It’s already better than James Corden.
Quick glance at the celebrity tables and there’s still a fire kicking off below. Zayn from One Direction is on his third haircut of the night and Harry’s gone for a bloody piss again.
2ND PERFORMANCE: Jessie Ware & Katy B Duet
The two London underground pop divas collaborate for the sultry massively underrated gem, Aaliyah. The stage background looks like Katy B’s Crying for No Reason video, only with two massive fuck-off plinths for each to stand while lasers propel over their heads. As the line ‘this is green envy’ is more commonly used, plumes of green smoke will fill the plinths and become jettisoned with lasers to look like a basement rave pumped with the Incredible Hulk toxin.
Jessie will be prodded regularly so she does some lovely high notes.
A small award is given to Sam Smith. It comes with a disclaimer saying you’ll receive the bigger, better award if you prove you’re a lasting presence beyond this initial storm. P.S. call Disclosure.
Paloma Faith is proper rat-arsed.
3RD PERFORMANCE: Charli XCX
As the most exciting popstar on our shores, this performance will be an unashamed platform for Charli XCX to catapult into the British consciousness. Ideally, it’ll be a jumbo-sized medley; starting with Break The Rules morphing into Boom Clap, before a cascade of bloodied unicorns form a dance collective for Breaking Up. It will climax with Doing It, with the words ‘now we’re bringing this back to life’ becoming headline material as one of the unicorns gives birth to Madonna.
Taylor Swift has formed a campfire around the burning debris of Mark Ronson’s performance. She starts to sing Style and everyone else joins in. It’s a beautiful moment.
Ant & Dec welcome Cat Deeley to present an award and it’s a heartbreaking CD:UK reunion. A montage is then played to echo their beloved heydays. Everyone cries.
4TH PERFORMANCE: Drenge Vs Royal Blood
To appease the likes of Kasabian’s Serge Pizzorno who recently didn’t get nominated/argued the Brits were conspiring to shut out rock ’n’ roll, we’ll have a classic battle of the bands face-off with two opposing stages at the end of each arena. In the Derby corner will be two-piece-come-three-piece Drenge, with the Brighton corner housing Royal Blood.
Each combatant will play quick one minute blasts of their most notorious thrash downs, bouncing off each other and escalating to the point where two-headed dragons and monstrous gorillas emerge as spirit animals and brawl until the death. Just like that scene in Scott Pilgrim Vs The World, only with musicians dodging incoming debris and rapturous gladiator chants brewing from the non-celebrity peasants above. The loser will be drip fed to a pool of swirling piranha.
That’s rock ‘n’ roll, right?
Union J are shuffling up to One Direction telling them how much they love McBusted and think forming two fan bases together is so swell. Union Jirection is proposed and quickly discarded.
Sia accepts an award for ‘belting song about a Chandelier’ but refuses to turn round and as such cannot thank her relatives for her existence. Her Dad starts kicking off and everyone realises it’s Cousin Itt from the Addams Family.
5TH PERFORMANCE: Calvin Harris & all his collaborators
Ignoring Calvin Harris’s usual stage setup of the monolithic DJ platform, this performance will instead see Calvin’s head replicated via a gigantic, towering hologram beaming out like a sexy super villain. It’ll start with the intro from I’m Not Alone, with the mention of its title cutting out the lights before a gaggle of stars including Example, Florence Welch, Rihanna, Ne-Yo, Tinie Tempah, Rita Ora, John Newman and Kelis emerge one by one to make blood sacrifices to their EDM overlord. Each offering turning the blueprint of Calvin’s face gradually into human form.
Upon completion, Ellie Goulding will turn up and perform ‘Outside’ while Calvin’s head manically chuckles under a blanket of neon-lit smoke. Lightning strikes and a swarm of ghosts wisp around the arena into the souls of those clambering for a hit. Jessie J grabs a fish net.
Kanye West turns up after a walk in the peaks with his child, North. His fatherlike warmness creates a chemical imbalance and he begins to sporadically convulse into a tyrannosaurus.
Scared by this transformation, Swift runs for the peasant tiers clinging to her awards for ‘easily best pop album of 2014’ for 1989 shouting “I DESERVE THESE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.”
6TH PERFORMANCE: Ed Sheeran
After receiving the ‘alright, he’s done pretty well this year’ award, there’s an obligatory spot for Ed Sheeran. However, he’s not allowed to perform his heartfelt ballad nonsense and must proceed with his infinitely more interesting powers with loop pedals on Don’t. He’ll then do a rap skit where he’ll confirm his next album will be called ‘divide’ and won’t feature anything involved with an acoustic guitar or below the ‘plod’ tempo range. Calvin’s swarming ghosts hover like vultures.
Paolo Nutini cashes in his small award for a bigger, better award following Caustic Love. An extra prize is given where a still-rat arsed Paloma Faith lovingly dry humps his leg.
Years & Years are looking at the destruction around them and thinking whether this pop game is worth all the hassle. They still churn out corkers, whatever they decide.
FINAL PERFORMANCE: Madonna
Having been cleaned off after a messy unicorn rebirth, Madonna takes the coveted legendary spot with alarmingly disastrous results. As an infant trapped inside an elder body, she cannot control her expansive limbs and lumbers around the stage like an alien-controlled puppet to Ray of Light. But with the admirable ‘show must go on’ mantra coded into her genetics, she proceeds to tussle with her consistently lavish production values – uncomfortably grinding against backing dancers and setting off pyrotechnics ahead of the scheduled trans-animal kiss with a honey badger.
Angry at the performers lack of professionalism, the badgers descend upon the stage and strap her to a giant wooden cross in the style of the Rebel Heart album sleeve. Like A Prayer kicks in and the badger collective strip to white cloaks and sway with the hearty unison of a gospel choir. ‘It’s like a dream to me’ echoes throughout the audience, with a Barry White influenced sea otter pulling off a killer solo. Madonna, realising this isn’t the planned choreography, ushers her unicorn spirit and slays the honey badger uprising. She whispers the words, “just like a dream, you are not what you seem”, before the cross is set ablaze and a rainbow of fireworks coat the rafters.
Torn by the emotional plight and with their background VT’s freshly edited, the honey badger’s sons and daughters become regular contestants on The Voice and the X Factor for the next 25 years.
Well that’s my Brit Awards 2015, but what’s yours? Let me know in the comments below :)