Here we go again. It’s time for the awards show that treasures the minuscule, celebrates the forgotten and gleefully claps at crossovers, cameos and Jennifer Lawrence. A place where we can admire the pocket gems of wizardry contained in some of the best films of the past six months. As Christmas is upon us, there might even be a little peak at what the future holds in 2014. All you have to do is mindlessly trudge through this festive back-slapping knees up that doesn’t make an awful lot of sense.
So take your seats, sneak out the vodka from your handbag and grab a quick selfie with that bloke from Emmerdale. The Full-Time Movie Awards (sponsored by JML) are about to commence!
Marvels Most Disappointing Post-Credits Scene Of The Year Award. (Sponsored By Marvel)
Winner: Thor: The Dark World – Getting Off On A Crap Balcony.
I thoroughly enjoyed Thor: The Dark World. It was a silly, escapist fun that contained some snarly delights from Tom Hiddleston’s Loki. I enjoyed it so much I insisted on seeing the post-credits scene promised at the very end of the reel. So I waited and waited some more, only to find my dreams of Avengers cameos swiftly excreted upon by Natalie Portman flying the piddly romance balloon with the Thunder God. I mean really, do we want Portman grinning or thunder hammers swinging? Oh no, not like that. Filthy animals. ALL OF YOU.Best Use Of A Wasted Eddie Marsan In A British Feature Award.
Winner: Filth – Eddie Marsan Popping Pills.
Now from inter-dimensional hammering to getting REET hammered, this award serves to recognise exceptional use of a wasted Eddie Marsan in a motion picture. While the drunken debauchery featured in the sci-fi pub crawl of The World’s End was worthy of note, the top prize goes to the animalistic jiving found in the brilliant Filth. After being unwillingly coaxed into taking some pills in a shifty nightclub, Marsan is unleashed upon our screens partying like it’s 2099 atop the Starship Enterprise at light-speed. Sadly Eddie Marsan isn’t here tonight to receive his award, he’s too much of a fuckin’ lad.The Brian Blessed Fellowship Award For Bellowing Laughter.
Winner: The Hunger Games: Catching Fire – Caesar Flickerman.
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire might be my favourite blockbuster of 2013. It was vastly superior to the original and pushed the serious themes tickled at in the first movie to bleak new heights. Luckily, the flamboyant cackle of Caesar Flickerman was on hand to keep us smirking through the class oppression, teenage torture and revolutionary upheavals. The world of fictional show-business doesn’t have time for that. Hair needs to be pruned, dresses need to be set-alight and the chuckle of a generation needs its audience. Someone needs to be around to make Peeta Mellark not look like a complete tit too.
Best Screenplay For Continuous Bad Luck To An Individual Award.
Winner: Gravity – Poor Sandra Bullock
If there was one thing to take from Gravity, it’s that space can be a cruel mistress. You struggle to breathe, a mere nudge can send you careening to your death and floating debris can swing round and knock your friends face off. Sandra Bullock survived all of this even with a babbling George Clooney floating around. Oh and her space station is set on fire and she nearly dies crashing to earth. Then the sea has a pop too. Jesus Alfonso, leave the poor strong-independent-woman alone.
The Cumberbitchin’ Moment Of The Year In Dragon Form Award.
Winner: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug – Bilbo Vs. Smaug
Alright I’m cheating a little here. But with so many Cumberbitchin’ moments in one year, it seems only fair that he receives a second gong for his efforts. Specifically his work in helping to create the brooding, sinister and downright amazing Smaug. A character that manages to have more personality than the majority of the human/dwarfish/elvish cast. Hopefully if Peter Jackson continues to tamper with the source material, we’ll see a savage dancing dragon parade that bakes all the dwarves in a fiery feast, leaving Smaug and Bilbo to fly off into the night for a spin-off adventure. G’warn Peter. The Outstanding Contribution To The Art Of Making My Pants Wet For 2014 Award.
Winner: X-Men: Days Of Future Past.
I promised a look at 2014, so here’s a trailer that has already circulated the internet for approximately two months. Even if you’ve already seen it, it’s worth watching again just to glimpse at the monumental cast that is set to grace our screens over a small two hour period. It includes Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Ellen Page, James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Peter Dinklage, Patrick Stewart, Nicholas Hoult, Sir Ian McKellen, Jennifer Lawrence and even the possibility of some other random X-Men cameos. I’m going to lie down now and scrape at the calendar with a chisel. Goodnight.
Feel like I’ve missed something worthy of recognition? Drop it below!